~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ben Hogan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   I took a caddie when I played Cyprus Point Club and his name is Marty Larkin. He's in his early eighties now, but he was 79 when he caddied for me~~~and the way that I played that day they could have locked me up for elder abuse. But as in life every round of golf has it's ups and downs~~~at some point in our rambling conversation I said to Marty: "I've seen Nicklaus and Seve and all the greats play, even Snead, but the one that I wish I'd seen was Hogan." Marty gave me a look and his eyes seemed to twinkle: "I got a story for you..." Well he told me of a Crosby back when he was a kid~~~and it was raining all day at Cyprus~~~so they needed to hire someone to hold the umbrella for Hogan~~~and that was young Marty Larkin. Ben Hogan~~~'the wee icemon' is what the British Press labeled him~~~inscrutable~~~aloof~~~concentrated~~~seeming in his own world~~~and he did not suffer fools gladly~~~for there was no bullshit to Hogan. Well Marty told me: "You know he didn't talk to anybody all day. Not a word. But he talked to me.".

Are We All Just Watching Each Other Jerk Off?

Ah~~~the American golfer had been in Scotland for a week, played every day, and taken the same old crusty caddie along with him for every round. On this last night together, after playing The Old Course, both player and caddie, along with their wives chattering on~~~all four were contented after yet another dinner together~~~and the American? He was feeling quite content~~~pretty good~~~maybe a little too good. Wine. Scotch. Beer. Triple play. At this point he squinted to look deeply at the old scottish fella's face~~~beaten by the seaside~~~leathered by the sun~~~and thought how much he had helped him play the game~~~even freeing up his swing and so doing helping him hit the ball ever more solidly. Maybe even the best ball striking of his golfing life. Now misty eyed, he tapped his new found friend's shoulder, the scotsman turned, and looked him directly in the eye~~~and then~~the American said: "You know it's been a great week. Wonderful week. Can't believe it! You helped me with my swing and now that I'm hitting the ball better~~My God~~~it feels so good! And you showed me around all these great and time honored courses~~~even the very Home of The Game itself~~~and see? Look! Even our wives are having a good time! It's you and me old buddy! And~~~at this point~~~his emotions continued expanding within this rare moment of empathy, and the American leaned forward and looked deeply into the old guy's eyes~~~and this question came out of his mouth: "How's it been for you?". The old scottish caddie adjusted his frame and leaned further forward~~~cleared his throat~~~then finished off his whiskey. "Aye laddie, don't you realize that golfin' is wee bit like masturbatin"? It may feel good to you~~~but it's not much fun to watch.".